Jesus, PMS, and Chocolate

“Every twenty-eight days I want to kill people.”

That’s what I blurted out during a meeting with my radio co-host, Brant Hansen.

We had daily “show prep” meetings to discuss what we’d talk about on the show. There was a plethora of hot topics that day and I didn’t care about any of them. Why? Because another co-worker of ours was in the room with us and she was eating yogurt.

Every time she took a new spoonful she scraped the bottom of the cup.

Not just once; three times. She scraped three times per spoonful.

Scrape, scrape, scrape . . . pause, slurp.

I couldn’t think of anything else but pummeling her. And the sad thing is I love her. She was one of my favorite people to work with and a dear friend. But when PMS hits, none of that matters. You don’t think of the kindness of a person or all that you’ve shared with them or all that they mean to you. When PMS hits all you think is:

Scrape, scrape, scrape . . . pause, slurp.

“Anyone specific you want to kill or just everybody?” Brant asked dutifully.

“Sometimes it’s specific people.”

He paused to consider the obvious and then asked, “Is it me? Do you want to kill me?”

We both laughed. And then we talked about how odd it is that this phenomenon consumes the majority of a woman’s life but it’s never really discussed at length. And that is certainly most true in American church culture.

Think about it. When is the last time you’ve heard PMS brought up at church? Even in a women’s group? There is discussion about the manifestation of it: emotional mood swings, irrationality, anxiety, overeating. Sure. We talk about all of that but not what, many times, is the catalyst for it.

“It affects us, too,” Brant asserted.

I never thought of that until he said it. If, as women, we’re being ravaged emotionally every month, we’re taking it out on someone: the guy standing next to us. Every twenty-eight days, by virtue of his proximity to us, he has to hop on that rollercoaster too.

So there in our little show prep meeting, we decided to talk about it on the air. I can’t tell you how big of a decision that was. Why? Because again, nobody talks about it.

The first challenge was how to talk about it. We couldn’t say “period” on the air.

So how in the world do we reference it?

Cycle? No. Menstruating? Nope. Aunt Flo? Absolutely not.

Maybe this is why no one ever talks about it. We can’t even decide on what to call it. We landed on referring to it as a woman’s “calendar issue.” Sounds silly, but it worked. My brilliant co-host navigated beautifully through the topic, acknowledging his own cluelessness about the issue all the while weaving in humor and God’s love. The phone lines were jammed for almost two hours straight.

That day showed me that women were starving. This is what they want to talk about. They want to know they’re not alone. They want to know they’re not crazy. They want to know God still loves them through all their emotional mayhem. After the show I felt like I still had more to say on the topic. I took to Facebook and posted this:

Sherri Lynn’s PMS regimen:

Eat chocolate early and often.
Work out an extra 20-30 minutes a day to alleviate the guilt of #1
Remind yourself that everyone is not a moron. Some people are but in your current hormonal state, you aren’t capable of discerning who is and who isn’t!
Speak as few words as possible. People will think you’re being shady or aloof. Let them think what they want. You know that you’re saving them from a PMS word assault from which they will not easily recover.
Watch the eye rolling. Sometimes it’s as bad as the words. When stupid things are being said, put your head down and graciously smile. Graciously…not sarcastically (You may have to practice this in the mirror in the mornings).
Imagine yourself on your first day in heaven walking right up to Eve and punching her dead in the mouth. Sounds silly, but this helps.
Release your “PMS praise” – When dealing with people that are working your last nerve:

Don’t insult, praise! Here are a few examples:

• Replace “How have you lived this long being this stupid” with “Thank you, Jesus.”

• Replace “Don’t ask me that question again” with “Bless the name of the Lord.”

• Replace “I don’t like you and I never have” with “The Lord is high above the heavens.”

It went viral. With every comment it was as if I could hear women exhaling. They finally could talk about this without having people snicker or rudely question their sanity. It was validating. There’s something deeply fulfilling when you find out you’re not as isolated as you’ve believed yourself to be.

So women I invite you to try this. Follow it step by step and see if it doesn’t improve an otherwise miserable time. It has for me.

By the way, should you try and do this regimen step-by-step of that and still blow it . . . know His grace is sufficient. I’ve built my whole life on that fact. He knows us. He sees us. He loves us. He is for us. While we are growing, He’s still lavishing His love on us, and He’s committed to the process of changing us. And it is a process . . . so be encouraged!

Sherri’s book “I Want To Punch You In The Face But I Love Jesus: The Ultimate PMS Companion Book” is available at branthansenpublishing.net.

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Sherri Lynn

Sherri Lynn has been a broadcast professional and stand-up comedienne for over a decade. She has her degree in Communications, as well as Biblical Studies.

Sherri is also a writer and director. She recently produced and released a comedy DVD entitled "The Very Funny Church Comedy Show: Together We Laugh." Sherri also wrote, directed, and starred in a stage play about race in the church. "The Bold and the Sanctified" showed in various cities, sold out multiple performances, and starred American Idol winner Ruben Studdard.