6. Think it & Drink it.
If you love to name it & claim it, this coffee shop’s for you. For a gift of only $250, your barista provides you with an empty coffee mug and 10 scriptures to help you think your coffee into existence. If you have enough faith, soon you’ll also have an unlimited supply of premium coffee.
5. I Can Brew All Things…
Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” If we can do all things through Christ, we can also brew all things through Christ. Philippians 4:12 might talk about being able to go hungry and suffer need, but Philippians 4:13 is clearly all about coffee.
But even though we can brew all things, it definitely doesn’t mean anything with alcohol.
4. Prosperi Tea Coffee
You may have thought, “Mixing tea and coffee sounds gross. It doesn’t make sense.” But Prosperi Tea Coffee will change your mind.
Doesn’t mixing tea and coffee water down the coffee?
No. When you mix Prosperi Tea’s patented blend of sweet tea and coffee, it makes it easier for everybody to drink. People who love sweet tea can also drink it without fully committing to a coffee flavor. It also makes true coffee lovers look like snobs if they try to judge you and say that you’re not drinking real coffee. To each their own.
3. Holy Roast Revival
In America, we need a revival, a Holy Ghost revival. But Holy Ghost revivals are wild, unpredictable, and they eat up so much of my valuable time with things like praying and loving my neighbors. Instead, let’s just have a Holy Roast Revival in every town.
At a Holy Roast Revival, we’ll make you feel spiritual by including a quick, convenient, out-of-context verse on every cup. We’ll also ask you to send in your prayer requests and never read them.
2. The 700 Mug
For a gift of only $700, you get 1 free cup of coffee every day of the year. That’s $1.97 per cup. That’s 4 cents per sip. Plus, that’s way less than a godless sip of Starbucks, which according to The 700 Mug’s founder, is contributing to the end of Western civilization.
1. Your Best Lattè Now
With a successful tv show, a best-selling book, and a board game, media mogul Joel Osteen enters the world of convenient coffee drinks once ruled by Starbucks.
Similar to what he offers with tv church, he aims to make life quick, convenient, and free from any pain or human contact. He promises once customers enter the doors of his new coffee shops, they won’t have to talk to anybody. They’ll only have to take 7 steps to get their Best Lattè Now. “Anything that takes more than 7 steps just isn’t worth it,” Osteen says. “After all, coffee shops aren’t about community. Coffee shops exist to get people their Best Lattè Now.”
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